On worry

Sometimes I just paralyze myself with worry. I get SO wound up running through all of the "what if" scenarios.

• What if something happens to my job?
• What if I get pregnant with our next embryo transfer?
• Should we put off the embryo transfer until things about my job become more certain?
  What if I lose my job while I'm pregnant?
• What if Josh's business doesn't pick up? How will we pay for childcare?
• Should I spend this money on clothes/decorating/travel/entertainment? What if some unexpected bill comes up? Will we have the money to pay it?
• How will I handle more than 2 kids? The lack of sleep? What if I can't lose the weight before I get pregnant again?

What if, what if, what if?

I worked myself into a pretty bad mood last night, worrying about anything and everything my mind would happen to think about. Logically, I know where this is coming from. The planner and controlling part of me is trying to work through all the possible scenarios of things that might happen, frantically trying to come up with THE SOLUTION. The perfect piece to the puzzle that will mean everything makes sense, and I don't have to worry any more. And logically, I know that really isn't possible.But worry is emotional, not logical. But I've struggled with how to break myself from the cycle when I'm in the middle of worrying.

I prayed about it last night, and something hit me on the way to work this morning. A question popped into my head*:

What would you be doing right now if you weren't worrying? Well, that's easy. I would be focusing on my job. I would be coming up with my next project at the house. I would be thinking about what we'll do as a family this weekend. I would be planning my next workout. I would be moving forward with the next embryo transfer. I would go out and treat myself to something, just because I deserve it.

And it's like a lightbulb went off in my head. To break myself out of that cycle, I need to think about what I would be doing if I wasn't worrying. Then go do those things. Seems simple, right?

But it got me thinking about how this could apply in other parts of my life.

What would I be doing if I wasn't self conscious about how I look? I would appreciate how my husband looks at me without worrying about how my stomach looks. I would be dancing and running and playing with my daughters without worrying about whether I looked awkward doing so. I would be cranking up music in my minivan and singing as loud as I could.

What would I be doing if I wasn't worried about whether people like me? I would be inviting people to dinner. I would be approaching new people at Sunday School, because I want to get to know them better. I would tell people the compliments I think about them - that I admire their dedication to their families, that their enthusiastic personality is a source of encouragement to me, that I love their sense of style and individuality.

I feel a little like I've been living in a cage of my own making, and now the door to the cage has been opened. And it feels great.

*I don't ever feel like I specifically hear the voice of God telling me something. But I do think when I have random thoughts pop into my head out of nowhere, and they really resonate with me - those are the times I feel like God is speaking to me. And I listen.